Friday, November 6, 2009

The Not So Elusive FUPA



You probably first met a FUPA when you had a substitute teacher with pants pulled up so high that the zipper was right under her boobs. Well the FUPA was that lump or pouch that sat comfortably right under that zipper and right above her vag. The FUPA often looks best on middle aged women with short haircuts and penny loafers (who tend to be substitute teachers).

FUPA is an acronym for Fat Upper Pussy Area. Contrary to popular belief, the FUPA is not a roll of fat hanging over the vaginal area. Rather, it is the area directly above the vaginal area which has become enlarged to the point where I want to vomit. Anyone living in Philadelphia has witnesses at least five FUPAs per day since they have moved here...as they are an ever present problem due to huge amount of ginormous, hippopotamus shaped women in this city. 4 in 5 people have reported working with a FUPA at some point in their lives.

The FUPA has strange effects on its victims. Primarily, those that suffer from FUPA are completely oblivious to its presence. Furthermore, the FUPA has the strange ability to cause its host to wear their jeans up near the belly button, which further accents its glory. (Some scientists have come to believe that the FUPA has a rudimentary intelligence). Another trait of FUPA oblivion is when women with FUPAs wear tights, which accentuates the FUPA, provides little support, and makes it look like they stuffed their pants with jello which is now hanging below their stank ass vagina.

Other names for the FUPA include the GUPA- Giant Upper Pussy Area, HUPA- Huge Upper Pussy Area, and lastly CHALUPA- Can't Have A Larger Upper Pussy Area. There are no specific weight classes identified yet.

Why am I writing all of this? Oh yeah, because FUPAs, you have gots to go. I don't wanna look at you anymore and I don't want you jiggling in my face on the bus anymore. Get out. Leave. You have gots to go.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Gums McGee




Miley Cyrus you is ugly. You is ugly and yo teeth be too small. You need a gum transplant bitch. Shit. Did your cousin, oh wait I mean mom, drink too much when she was pregnant with your dumb ass? Hello, I would like an order of mouth, light on the teeth, heavy on the gums. Besides the fact that you look worse than Sarah Jessica Parker without makeup, you are just awful at life. You can't sing, you can't act. The fact that you sell more records than infinitely more talented people solidifies the fact that...... you have gots to go. What has 20,000 legs, 20,000 arms, 10,000 heads and an average IQ of 23?...10,000 people at a Miley Cyrus concert.

Bitch Has Gots To Go.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Drippy Ass Pumpkin Loaf


Ew. You nasty. You have been in that pan for two weeks. Nasty ass Krispy Kreme bitch....you have gots to go. Why have you been sittin in that pan for so long? How can you be an old ass pumpkin loaf thats dry and drippy? I felt you. You were moist on top. How can that be? The fact that no one has eaten you doesn't surprise me. You scary. Scarier than any Halloween costume. In fact, you look like you are about to grow legs and crawl out da house. Shit.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Mmmmmm.....


As it is my first post, I think I should talk about something very personal to me. Geisha women, you have gots to go. Walkin' around with your pasty ass skin and snaggle-teeth smile. Don't you have braces in Japan? Now I know why you cover your mouths every time you smile. Shit. Listen, I don't know why you think you can wear a robe around all day, but last time I tried to do that people stared at me. I was uncomfortable. I don't even know how uncomfortable you feel. All I have to say is don't be goin around with your Geisha pussy hanging out all up in my face. Close yo robe, and cover up them orangutang titties too. I don't even know what to say at this point. Rachel, you know how it goes. Oh and if I said it once, I will say it again......You have gots to go.