Yeah, that's my girl Christina. She got an applebottom now, but shit, who doesn't??
LISTEN. At one point in my barely adult life, I thought it was a good decision to smear cake on a wall because I was mad at someone. I was also drunk at the time (not that I am making excuses), which translated into me rationalizing this insane behavior, and thinking it was an appropriate outlet for my emotions. As I laughed maniacally, finger-painting with a chocolate on chocolate bund from Whole Foods, I also cried. Mainly because I was drunk on cheap vodka and champagne, but also because I knew I would get caught the next day and that I would have to deal with this in the morning. I cry a lot when I’m drunk. But shit, who doesn't?
Less than a minute into the spreading session, my friends at the time opened the door and saw me, hands covered in icing and an empty bottle of champagne sitting on the floor. I hadn’t prepared for this, and if I had I probably could have found something other to say than what I did. The conversation that ensued went something like this:
Slut 1: “What the fuck are you doing to the wall?”
Drunk Me: “You’re a fucking asshole!! You are MEAN!
Slut 1: “No Bill, you’re the asshole, you are smearing cake all over my foyer!”
I literally threw the rest of my art supplies to the ground and ran as fast as I could, down the stairs, and to my Volvo station wagon parked two blocks away. As I hauled my applebottom down the stairs all I heard behind me was slut number 1 screaming…
“Come look at what this drunk idiot did! What the HELL is going on tonight? WHO is going to clean this shit up??”
Whatever. This bitch don't give a shit.
At this point I was prepared to leave the city if need be. The fact that I was completely obliterated meant that once I finally found my car, I subsequently fell asleep in the passengers seat. Thanks to my education, I knew that if any police found me in the drivers seat I could be up for a DUI, whether I had driven or not. I do make SOME good decisions.
When I finally woke up, there was cake all over the radio controls. I must have had a dance party. And for the record, the champagne was awful. I won’t be buying it again.
See....what had happened was that I had fucked up. But you know what? That't not the only time it has happened. And it's probably not the last time. When bitches we trippin' I ain't got time for shit. If I have to smear cake on a wall to prove that I am a better person, then that's what I have gots to do!
Bitch, you have gots to go.
